Welcome to Ankh Morpork
by Silvawen the Elf Crumpet
Summary: The adventures of two guys that know no limits when trying to have a little fun away from their domineering wives! ::ON HOLD::


E/N: Abandon hope, all ye who enter here! Ok, you are now being well and truly warned about the forthcoming recollection of events. I do not claim to write that in the remotest sense resembles sanity. There will be things happening in this story (review permitting) that will seriously make you question my ability to roam in civilised society.  
  
I will have to explain a couple things now before I continue. Jack is a main character from my best friend's novel. All you really need to know is that Jack's wife is Queen of a kingdom called Luodana (making him King, but Helen is the actual heir of the throne) He is always in Helen's shadow and never ever gets a chance to show his true colours. Helen tells everyone he's a wus and that's the side of him they all see. In a random spin off LOTR fanfic that my best friend wrote, Jack's daughter Freja was forced to marry Legolas, despite the fact she hated (and still hates) him and Legolas was (well, is) with Silvawen (for people not familiar with me & my stuff, just have a look at my profile to see who she is). In this fic, both Jack and Legolas remember the whole thing.  
  
I put this under Terry Pratchett because I figured that since I used his stuff in the majority, it was only fair. Our focus is actually on Legolas and Jack. Anyone who thinks they might have lost interest in this stupid, random thing, please depart without the hint of flame! Dankë schon! Luvs Elfie xXxXx  
  
Ps. If there's anything else I've failed to mention and you get confused, just review or email me or something!  
  
Pps. I know the sign is actually for the post office, but my mate couldn't find the one outside the city. I'll change it if I can be bothered.  
  
Disclaimer: I do not own Middle Earth, Luodana or Discworld or any of the characters or places therein. I own only Silvawen.  
  
Chapter 1  
  
It was a typical morning in Kaelin Castle. Jack was awoken in the usual, gentle manner of his darling, considerate wife, Helen.  
  
"JACK!!!" She whacked him in the chest with the full force of her closed fist (which was a considerable amount of force). "JACK! Get up, you lazy arse! I've been screaming at you for the past three and a half minutes! Get up! Ethan's catapulting small children over the battlements again!" He rolled onto his side and groaned.  
  
"Meg, fla thrum pem la fo neg," he grunted, which Helen roughly translated into: "Oh, I'll sort him in a minute."  
  
"GET. UP. NOW!!" She shoved him out of their bed, but she didn't hear the usual thud of him hitting the floor that always pursued. She leant over and looked down the side of the bed. "Hey, where'd he go?!"  
  
**  
  
Legolas was lying flat on his back on the soft grass of Mirkwood Forest, panting heavily.  
  
"Silva, can we stop yet?" he gasped desperately.  
  
"Nope, I'm just getting started." She grabbed her husband's hands and hauled him to his feet. "Don't be such a wimp."  
  
"But we've been doing it for hours. You've worn me out! Do you never stop?"  
  
"A bit of exercise never killed anyone." She turned around, took a swig from a small glass bottle of water she'd left with her things, retrieved her sword and turned back, ready to duel with her partner once again. "Hey, where'd he go?!"  
  
**  
  
Jack was lying face down on grass. 'Now, that's not normal,' he thought. 'I'm sure this wasn't here yesterday.' He lifted his head and blearily looked around. "Where the hell am I?" he asked sleepily.  
  
"My sentiments exactly," voiced someone above him. Jack leapt to his feet, wondering who was trying to scare him out of his wits.  
  
"ARGH! Who are you?!" He studied the person in front of him as much as he could whilst still half asleep. "ARGH! You!"  
  
"Well, that's nice!"  
  
"Sorry. You scared me."  
  
"Oh, alright."  
  
"Legolas? Why are we here?" Legolas shrugged.  
  
"I don't know. One minute Silva was trying to kill me, the next, I was here."  
  
"What did you do this time?" Legolas looked slightly confused for a moment, but then he comprehended what was being asked of him.  
  
"Nothing. We were having duelling practise and Silva kept, sort of..... distracting me. So I sort of kept losing. She nearly chopped my head off several times."  
  
"Owie."  
  
"Yeah." There was the silence of two idiots lost in their own thoughts. "Jack? Why are you in your pyjamas?"  
  
"Helen shoved me out of bed."  
  
"...."  
  
"I fell out of bed and.... into.... wherever we are."  
  
"Oh. Fair enough." There was another one of those silences.  
  
"So.... where are we?"  
  
"Dunno. Maybe that'll tell us." Legolas pointed at a large sign behind Jack that proclaimed in huge, bright red letters: 'WELCOME TO ANKH MORPORK! Do not ask us about: Rocks, trolls with sticks, all sorts of dragons, Mrs Cake, huje green things with teeth, any kinds of black dogs with orange eyebrows, rains of spaniel's, fog and Mrs Cake.'  
  
"Hmmm," mused Jack. "Let's havea closer look." They moved closer and inspected the sign. "Where have I heard that name before?" Legolas shrugged again.  
  
"It's weird." Jack tensed in shock.  
  
"Oh gods! Not another flat planet! Damn, lazy gods! Too damn lazy to make spherical worlds! Well, at least this one is reasonably circular." Legolas gave him a 'you're completely off your rocker' look.  
  
"I take it you know where we are then," he hazarded sarcastically.  
  
"We're in Discworld." Legolas raised an eyebrow.  
  
"We're in what?"  
  
"Discworld. You know, as in the Terry Pratchett books. Oh wait, you're from a book, you don't know."  
  
"I resent that."  
  
"Oh well, you'll get over it. So, let me get this straight. Me and you have been summoned here, to Discworld, for no reason at all?"  
  
"It appears so."  
  
"And we're on our own?"  
  
"Apparently."  
  
"And I'm in my pyjamas?"  
  
"Yupperz."  
  
"Damn."  
  
"Here, cover yourself up." Legolas took off the sleeveless tunic he was wearing over a shirt and handed it to the pyjama-clad King of Luodana. "I was hot anyway."  
  
"Thanks mate." Jack put it on over his blue and white striped nightwear. He lookd like a prize A prat. "I think I need proper clothes."  
  
"I agree."  
  
"And shoes."  
  
"Probably a good idea." Jack sneezed loudly and then wiped his nose on his sleeve, just as loudly. "EURGH! That's just wrong!"  
  
"What? I ain't got a tissue." Legolas raised his eyebrow again. "Don't say it or I'll call you Helen." Suddenly a vacant look passed over Jack's face and then it lit up happily. "NO MORE HELEN!!!" He jumped up and down o the spot a few times and then did his victory dance (E/N: The Hand Jive)/  
  
"Er.... why is that a good thing? We've been separated from our wives."  
  
"You try having a dominating wife, then you'll see." Legolas pondered this thought for a moment.  
  
"You know, you're right."  
  
"And this also means more sleep!"  
  
"Awha?"  
  
"Helen never lets me sleep much. She keeps me up late and wakes me up early."  
  
"I recognise the feeling."  
  
"But now.... drum roll.... I can have LIE-INS!!!"  
  
"Er.... right."  
  
"Hmmm.... should I sleep now?"  
  
"I don't think that's such a good idea."  
  
"Why?"  
  
"We don't know where we are."  
  
"Yes we do. We're in Discworld, being welcomed to.... here."  
  
"You know what I mean."  
  
"No I don't. How can you not know where you are and know where you are at the same time?"  
  
"Stop complicating matters!"  
  
"You started it. Don't confuse me! You're using crappy Helen non-logic. Stop it!"  
  
"Stop comparing me to Helen!"  
  
"Stop acting like her then!"  
  
"Look, we need to focus. What I meant was we don't know where we're going."  
  
"I never know where I'm going, I just follow Helen." Legolas let out a low, irritable growl.  
  
"We haven't got Helen."  
  
"I know..... WOO HOO!!" Jack looked up to the sky. "THANK YOU WHOEVER DID THIS!!!!" he yelled. Legolas shook his head.  
  
"Totally beserk," he muttered.  
  
"So, where am I going to get some clothes from then?" Jack suddenly asked, turning to the exasperated Silvan Elf.  
  
"You're asking me?"  
  
"Well, I'm not asking anyone else, am I?"  
  
"HOW THE HELL DO I KNOW?!?!?!"  
  
"Whoa, take a chill pill, dude." Legolas glared at him. He took several deep breaths and decided that he would try one last time before he completely lost his sanity.  
  
"Look. You are in your pyjamas and very happy to be away from your domineering wife. I am annoyed and not quite as pleased as you to be away from my domineering wife. We are stuck here, together. You have vague knowledge of this place in your sleepiness. I have no knowledge in my knackeredness."  
  
"PAH! You have no knowledge!"  
  
"Oh, screw this." He punched Jack, not hard enough to knock him out, but just enough to hopefully knock some sense and alertness into him.  
  
"What the heck was that for?!?!"  
  
"To shut you up! Jack, this is serious. Even if we know where we are, we don't know our way around. And we can't exactly go around with you barefoot, in your PJ's, can we? Who knows what you'll tread in."  
  
"I s'pose," mumbled Jack, rubbing his jaw tenderly. "You still shouldn't have hit me though."  
  
"Oh, you'll get over it."  
  
"Yeah, that's true."  
  
"So, what do you want to do then?"  
  
"Sleep!" Jack plonked himself down on the floor. Legolas rolled his eyes. He had the feeling that this experience was really going to remind him of having a male Silva around.  
  
"All right, the way I see it is I'm not going to get you to move until you've slept. So, what I'll do is see if I can find my way to a shop of some kind and get you some decent clothes whilst you sleep here. Deal?  
  
"Deal!"  
  
"See you later then." Legolas walked off moodily. "Bloody Luodanan Elves, Thinking they're all that. Treating me like a bloody skivvy. Get his bloody clothes. Just 'cause he's a king."  
  
Jack watched after the highly pissed off retreating Elf, feeling quite confused.  
  
"Wonder what's rattled him?" he said aloud to no one in particular. He looked down and inspected his 'clothing'. "Hmmm, I really do need some proper clothes, and blondie won't be back for yonks. Ooh, I know, I wonder if I can remember what Elora taught me? Ok, what clothes do I want? Oh, yeah, I know. Ok, here goes." He concentrated on the vision of normal clothes and did all the things he could remember being told to do. Eventually he heard a noise behind him and he stopped. "Ooh, goodie, clothes!" He turned around. "ARGH!" There stood a donkey. "Oh shit." He sighed. "Oh well, sleep it is then." He curled up underneath the sign and fell instantly to sleep.  
  
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E/N: So, what do you think? Please r&r and tell me how funny/terrible/boring/shite/plotless/random you think it is. I'll carry this on if I get good review responses, otherwise, I won't bother. Luvs Elfie xXxXx 


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